A year and a half since and I still can’t put into words how I truly feel nor truthfully answer the simple question of “how are you doing?”.
However, as the months ensued, I have observed several truths and learnt lessons along the way, mainly “life does go on”.
Secondly, whether I chose to hear it or not, I have had to hear it more often than most through a few subtle and yet “well-meaning folks”, who I honestly know have had genuine love and concern and then the rest through some rather “well-curious folks”, who perhaps unknowingly lack a touch of sensitivity.
Thirdly and quite truthfully the most obvious, I am no longer the same. December 19th, 2012 has permanently marked me and to borrow a fitting explanation from Kay Warren, “It will remain the grid [I] pass everything across for an indeterminate amount of time….maybe forever.” In the early stages, I noticeably felt reduced to what I once was, it was isolating and frustrating. I was grappling with adjusting to my “new normality” and the burden of life seemed too much to bear. Now, thankfully I am in a place of peace and my future is bright.
Fourth, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. . . He is all I will ever need in this life. I have experienced an extravagant amount of His grace. In Him I live and move and have my being.
I have written, claimed, wept, and prayed over so many verses of hope and this one in particular holds dear to my heart, Psalm 16:5 (TEV)
“You, Lord, are all I have, and you give me all I need; my future is in your hands. How wonderful are your gifts to me; how good they are!”
How I even manage to get out of bed daily and function normally is without a doubt through His unconditional love and sufficient grace.
He has blessed me with work that is fulfilling and challenging. I am humbled by those I daily get to influence and partake in their learning process. I am grateful for their trust and for the opportunity to teach and at the same time share my testimony.
Fifth, 1 Peter 1:7 has become more than just words to me, it has become my “go to” and “look to”. I no longer weaken at the thought of trials nor dread the process of being refined, my heart is steadfast. I trust in His sovereignty and I know that no matter what, He works all things together for my good.
Sixth, I finally understood what it means when a “brother is born for adversity”. I am humbled and touched by the amazing friends, family and even acquaintances who have rallied by my side and given endless support, counsel, encouragement and understanding. I am often brought to tears by their simplest act of kindness, their patience to accept that things are different and their compassion to embrace the “now-scarred” friend they love. It is through them that I have seen Jesus’ compassion first hand.
To my wonderful friends, thank you for not pressuring me to “move on”, for going out of your way and giving me a ton of excuses to get out of bed without making me feel like a bothersome child. Thank you for constantly calling, texting, even going on Skype just to make sure I hadn’t fallen off the face of the earth. Thank you for reminding me countless times that I’m not alone. Each of you have blessed me in your own way, I love you and am forever grateful.
Lastly, I still dare to hope. l have learnt that “I can get through what I may never get over”. He has taught me to realize the brevity of life that I may grow in wisdom. Though I now have come to accept that grief has no time table and that there will always be a part of me yearning and missing my mother, I have learnt instead to be “joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer”.
He has given me laughter, He has made my burden light and brought me back to life… a hundred times over. I have been refined, made stronger and more than ever ready once again to be used for His glory.
xoxo
m.l.o.v.