13

Jul

A year and a half . . . [observations of truth and grief]

A year and a half since and I still can’t put into words how I truly feel nor truthfully answer the simple question of “how are you doing?”.

However, as the months ensued, I have observed several truths and learnt lessons along the way, mainly “life does go on”.

Secondly, whether I chose to hear it or not, I have had to hear it more often than most through a few subtle and yet “well-meaning folks”, who I honestly know have had genuine love and concern and then the rest through some rather “well-curious folks”, who perhaps unknowingly lack a touch of sensitivity.

Thirdly and quite truthfully the most obvious, I am no longer the same. December 19th, 2012 has permanently marked me and to borrow a fitting explanation from Kay Warren, “It will remain the grid [I] pass everything across for an indeterminate amount of time….maybe forever.” In the early stages, I noticeably felt reduced to what I once was, it was isolating and frustrating. I was grappling with adjusting to my “new normality” and the burden of life seemed too much to bear. Now, thankfully I am in a place of peace and my future is bright.

Fourth, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. . . He is all I will ever need in this life. I have experienced an extravagant amount of His grace. In Him I live and move and have my being.

I have written, claimed, wept, and prayed over so many verses of hope and this one in particular holds dear to my heart, Psalm 16:5 (TEV)

“You, Lord, are all I have, and you give me all I need; my future is in your hands. How wonderful are your gifts to me; how good they are!”

How I even manage to get out of bed daily and function normally is without a doubt through His unconditional love and sufficient grace.

He has blessed me with work that is fulfilling and challenging. I am humbled by those I daily get to influence and partake in their learning process. I am grateful for their trust and for the opportunity to teach and at the same time share my testimony.

Fifth, 1 Peter 1:7 has become more than just words to me, it has become my “go to” and “look to”. I no longer weaken at the thought of trials nor dread the process of being refined, my heart is steadfast. I trust in His sovereignty and I know that no matter what, He works all things together for my good.

Sixth, I finally understood what it means when a “brother is born for adversity”. I am humbled and touched by the amazing friends, family and even acquaintances who have rallied by my side and given endless support, counsel, encouragement and understanding. I am often brought to tears by their simplest act of kindness, their patience to accept that things are different and their compassion to embrace the “now-scarred” friend they love. It is through them that I have seen Jesus’ compassion first hand.

To my wonderful friends, thank you for not pressuring me to “move on”,  for going out of your way and giving me a ton of excuses to get out of bed without making me feel like a bothersome child. Thank you for constantly calling, texting, even going on Skype just to make sure I hadn’t fallen off the face of the earth. Thank you for reminding me countless times that I’m not alone. Each of you have blessed me in your own way, I love you and am forever grateful. 

Lastly, I still dare to hope. l have learnt that “I can get through what I may never get over”. He has taught me to realize the brevity of life that I may grow in wisdom. Though I now have come to accept that grief has no time table and that there will always be a part of me yearning and missing my mother, I have learnt instead to be “joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer”.

He has given me laughter, He has made my burden light and brought me back to life… a hundred times over. I have been refined, made stronger and more than ever ready once again to be used for His glory.

xoxo

m.l.o.v.

10 years ago Short URL 3 Comments

blogging/reflections

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10

Apr

Hope Against All Hope

My heart aches anew with each passing day.
My mind races with memories and longing.
Though my soul is anchored on hope,
at times my feeble heart forgets,
And my weak mind plays tricks.
Yet I hope against all hope.

They keep saying, “in time..”
But how long?
Time seems to have stood still.
They go about their day in absolute bliss,
Whilst I fade away watching behind a glass wall,
Unable to reach, nor cry aloud,
Waiting, waiting for time to pass.

They say, “you are not alone”
But dare I say, “indeed I am!”
For until you have walked this way,
You cannot even fathom what it’s like.
Words that once were of comfort,
now lay barren among the ashes,
Empty as a tomb, yet sharp as a knife.

Do not even speak your words,
Lest they reach the ears of those in anguish.
Far be it from me to say,
That I need not your words, for only “The Word” is a soothing salve.

Staring in the mirror unable to recognize the person staring back,
Though there is no fight in me left,
The rising of the glorious sun,
Renews my weary soul.
A reminder of another day to trudge on,
To crawl up from this blackened pit,
And to hope against all hope.

10 years ago Short URL Comments

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14

Jul

Just like Job

It’ll almost be 7 months since my mom went to be with the Lord and daily I find myself missing her. I think C.S. Lewis’ words were the most accurate in describing grief: “Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery’s shadow or reflection: the fact that you don’t merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.” However, even in moments of unbearable sadness, there is a peace that transcends all of my understanding and anchors my soul and gives me hope daily to keep moving forward.

On the 11th of July, we received news that our uncle, my father’s younger brother, suddenly passed away. Ironically enough, his cause of death is exactly the same as my mom’s – hypertension that triggered a stroke. Sadly this condition runs in my family, though maintainable, if unchecked is utterly deadly.

And once again, my family has to come to terms with yet another tragedy. Just 7 months shy of mourning the sudden loss of my mom, my Dad’s grief is doubled, having to now also mourn for his younger brother. In spite of all this, my wonderful Dad still chooses to praise the Lord and trust in His goodness and sovereignty.

One can’t help but recall the words of Job:

“God gives, God takes. God’s name be ever blessed.” – Job 1:21 (MSG)

Out of all the characters in the bible, I’ve often overlooked Job’s story. Not because I didn’t care for it, mostly because his trials were too tragic for my mind to comprehend. His story often seemed like a cruel portrayal of God putting man to the ultimate test of devotion.

Although the bible clearly says that, “No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it. (1 Corinthians 10:13 MSG)”.

The Lord is not the one who tests us, although He does allow certain things to happen to us, in order to shape and refine us. It is in fact the enemy who tempts us and tries to steal, kill and destroy us.

The message translates it best:
“A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I [Jesus] came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.” (John 10:6-10 MSG)

Lately I find myself pondering the parallels of Job’s life with that of my family. And even though this latest tragedy breaks my heart again, the first thing I knew to do, was pray and bring it to Jesus.

Just as my Dad’s faith inspires me to continue to remain steadfast and believe in the Lord’s goodness, Job’s unwavering love for the Lord challenges me.

“Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” (Romans 8:26-28 MSG)

I love that verse! I love how “every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good“. This verse alone has gotten me through so many moments of heartache. And even though Job never heard this verse (as he existed in the Old Testament), I sincerely believe He knew enough of the goodness of God that He trusted that the Lord will come through for him.

I pray for a heart like Job’s – that no matter what circumstance in life comes my way, may the first thing my mouth will ever utter is — His name be praised!

And just like Job, I pray I too can love the Lord for no other reason than just because I love Him.

11 years ago Short URL Comments

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28

Apr

Life Goes On

Standing amidst passersby,

reminiscing what might have been;

for a moment gone awry,

dreading both the seen and unseen.

Standing ever so still,

hedged between a revolving door,

while life edges right off the reel.

Time itself paused all the more.

There’s truth in what they say,

that life eventually goes on.

Though harsh the dream belay

tis oft darkest before the dawn.

And though the cloud hide the sun;

its rays will not dismay nor dull,

the light that shines from the One,

in whom life and love remain full.

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03

Mar

For my hero, my Mom

“I have learned that faith means trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse.” – Philip Yancey
There are pivotal moments in life that happen to each of us that will either alter us for the better or simply redefine our faith; I can honestly admit that I’ve experienced both.
In December of 2011, our church held a service called “The Miracle Offering”. We were challenged to test God in the area of our tithes and giving. Growing up in the faith, I have always known that Malachi 3:10 is the only verse in the Bible where we can literally “test” God. Like any good Christian, I decided to take Him at His word.
To say the least, 2012 was miraculous for our family. That simple step of faith and trusting Him led to our “Jubilee“. For those of you unfamiliar with “Christianese” or Christian lingo, Jubilee, simply means the year of restoration; where everything you’ve lost or was taken from you is restored.
Now, only a handful of those close to me even know my family’s actual story / testimony. Due to a plethora of circumstances, of which I won’t bore you with all the details and logistics, my family and I were temporarily and geographically separated from our Dad for about 10 years, 1 month and 7 days. The journey that my family and I went through during that time could fill 3 novels worth and would probably take the same length of time to relay. So for your sake and mine, I will simply summarize it.
In that time of separation, my amazing parents daily lived out their faith. I witnessed first hand the true meaning of “for better or worse”. Despite the distance, time difference and not to mention the waiting and uncertainty of them ever seeing each other face to face, their love stood the test of time. My parents communicated everyday, calling each other just to wake the other up to start their day (day time for Dad was evening for my Mom).
In spite all that, they made it work.
So you can only imagine, the overwhelming joy and gratitude we felt, when on May of 2012, we got a call from our Dad saying he was finally able to come and see us. I sincerely believe that Jesus stood on our behalf that day and granted our family’s beautiful reunion. In hindsight, He knew what lay ahead, He gave us a gift and I am forever grateful.
I will always recount those days with immense joy because it had been awhile since I’ve seen my Mom that joyful. It was as if life and vigor had flown back to her. Most of our family that witnessed our reunion will attest to the fact that it truly was the happiest they’ve ever seen our Mom. Our parents were like teenagers who had fallen in love all over again. Our family felt whole and our faith remained stronger than ever.
My father’s departure back to the Middle East was bittersweet but this time, we had the promise of an eventual return. So, once again we did our best to wait with anticipation.
Flash forward to the 17th of December, 2012 just six months after our emotional family reunion — I still cannot quite fully put into words how that day has forever altered my life, but I do know in my heart that in the midst of it all, His grace was sufficient. He was with us from the minute we rushed our Mom to the hospital and even until the moment she passed, which was only 2 days thereafter.
So in less than 72 hours my world was once again rocked. If 10 years of waiting and hoping for a miracle had taught me anything, it was that this life has always been and will always be about Him. He being Jesus, is the center of it all.
My Mom’s passing though sudden made me realize that not only is life fragile but that life without Him is meaningless. My mother left my siblings and I an incredible legacy of faith. She was the first person in our family to have a genuine encounter with Jesus. It’s one thing to be a Christian in the free world where you can proudly profess your beliefs but it takes audacious faith to be a Christian in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia where you boldly live out your faith daily. It is because of her faith then that continues to impact mine now. And that even in her death, He was still glorified.
In the days that led up to her funeral, I received a deluge of emails, letters, text messages and phone calls of encouragement and remarkable stories of how my Mom impacted the lives of those she met. Until now, I am still so touched by all those who continue to contact me and recount in detail how much my Mom meant to them. As her child, I at times have taken her for granted. Blinded by familiarity, I didn’t see then that in the midst of her busy schedule, she found and made time to care, call and go out of her way to help others. I am so impressed by my Mom, because in her own crazy way, she did her very best to live out her faith and make Him known.
Growing up, I always looked up to my Dad; his accomplishments, strength of character and faith were larger than life. It was often my Dad that I admired and believed I took after. Now 2 months and 15 days have passed since my Mom got promoted to heaven and I have been repeatedly told I resemble my mom in physical feature and character. I have realized that this strong, courageous, short woman whose personality was just as large as her kindness and generosity was in fact all along, my hero as well. It’s good to know that I’ve got big shoes to fill. You will never hear of my Mom’s story in People magazine or Vogue or Time magazine or even the Guinness World Records but her name is written in the one book that matters most, the Lamb’s book of life.
“Ma, I thank God for you and the life you’ve given me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for teaching me and showing me what faith is.”
I have been told that “grief is different for every person” and that “time heals” but each day as I try my best to pick up the pieces and move forward, I have learnt that His grace is sufficient. I have never known such sorrow but at the same time I’ve never had more hope in Him. To quote from my current song on repeat, “It’s always like spring time with [Him] because He makes all things new” 🙂 so I can always look forward to better days ahead.
xoxo
m.l.o.v.

11 years ago Short URL Comments

reflections, blogging/Uncategorized

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05

Nov

Brighter than sunshine

Over this weekend, I’ve had the privilege of celebrating the birthday of one of my dear friends, Fancy Pants. She planned what I like to call, a weekend so “infinite” in which she gathered a group of her closest friends to join her in a 5K marathon called, The Color Run in San Diego, California. The event’s slogan is “The Happiest 5k on the Planet”, and I can definitely vouch for that!

The Fast and the Fancy right before the marathon

The timing of my friend’s birthday get-away weekend was just what my soul needed. It was a beautiful reminder that life is fun when we’re all in it together. Despite our grueling schedule of compacting every crazy thing we could think of and being constantly on-the-go and even at one point of hilarity, walking all around the Gas Lamp District in 5 inch heels, my spirits soared just as high.

And even there in the midst of my “carpe diem” moment, I was struck by life’s two simple yet profound concepts:

1. Great relationships take intentionality – I read that once from a tweet by Rick Bezet and 100% agree with it now more than ever. We are relational creatures by nature. We cannot continue to live apathetic if we want to thrive in life. It simply does not work that way. And we cannot have meaningful relationships if we are complacent and unwilling to reach out. We live in an age where if we so much as choose, we can be connected with everyone at any given moment. It’s time we stopped wishing and waiting for the other person to call or make the first move, or offer an apology. Just go ahead and initiate a conversation, a hug, or even a simple “hello there” text. Being thoughtful isn’t some innate trait that is acquired genetically, it’s simply being intentional about every single thing you do.

2. Amazing people do not just happen – No matter where that phrase originated from there is an inherent truth to it. There’s a process they go through that shapes, molds, and refines them into becoming remarkable human beings. Oftentimes their stories tell a daunting obstacle they’ve had to overcome or even still have yet to overcome. Other times, there is a goodness within them that is inexplicable and quite comforting, though we may not fully know what goes on inside them, there is an ease with which they interact with others, and one encompassing character stands out among them, they are genuinely consistent. Amazing people do not just happen so don’t take them for granted.

After the race, looking very bright and colorful

This weekend really caused me to reflect and once again be thankful for the life I lead, the God I love, the people I’ve been blessed to do this life with and this amazing journey that keeps on refining me.

You’re here to be a light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. – Matthew 5:14 MSG

xoxo

11 years ago Short URL Comments

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15

Oct

Give the gift that last a lifetime….

Since the season for gift giving is approaching, I decided to share a few tidbits that I adhere to, on how to find that perfect gift for your loved ones. Hope this helps!

  1. Have a budget – if you’re anything like me and you find yourself blessed with a ton of family and friends, it helps to have a budget in mind. Having a budget allows you to buy something special for each person without going bankrupt 🙂
  2. Plan ahead – I know this sounds so simple but it’s actually one of the main things most people fail to do. We procrastinate until the last minute and then we leave ourselves little time and effort in finding a gift. The worst case would be not finding a present at all. Give yourself ample time so that the holidays become more enjoyable and less stressful.
  3. Put some thought into it – no matter the amount of the present, as long as you genuinely put some thought into what you’re purchasing for them, they’ll always appreciate the gift. Here’s a few questions I often ask myself before buying:
  • Will he/she love this? or like this?
  • Do I like it more than he/she will?
  • Does this epitomize him/her? a.k.a Is this him/her?

4. Give the gift that will last a lifetime – this has been the guiding factor for every time I’ve bought a present. Give something that will last. I confess, this is the main reason it has always been difficult for me to give anyone that is dear to me, a mere “gift card”. It shows how little I know about them and how I couldn’t be bothered to put the time into picking out something meaningful. Nevertheless, I do resort to gift cards, if I truly can’t come up with a present and if they’ve sincerely requested it. I often try to make up for the lack of creativity with the amount as that often gives them the freedom and joy to shop to their hearts content.

Giving a gift is so much more sweet when you’re giving to just be a blessing. I once heard someone say, they’ve never met a generous man who was cheap. I can honestly agree and say that the same works reversed, I’ve never met a cheap man who was generous.

Generosity isn’t giving a one time huge gift, it’s giving above and beyond what is required of you to give. You see, the objective is not to give a present so as to be thanked but to give so as to be a blessing. If our heart’s motive is to truly bless someone, our gifts will always reveal that.

I hope my simple tips will help you find the perfect gift as this season enfolds around us. Plus I hear they’re having early sales… so hit the shops! And don’t forget to savor each moment with your loved ones, enjoy the little pleasures in life that take your breath away and love. . . love ever so extravagantly!

xoxo

12 years ago Short URL Comments

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20

Jul

A friend loves [at all times]

“A friend loves at all times.” Proverbs 17:17 (emphasis on “at all times”)

Someone asked me once, what I wanted to be known for at the end of my life and I couldn’t think of a better answer than “Friend”.

I genuinely want “Friend” written on my epitaph, and as morbid as the thought of my having seriously considered this must seem, I however, see it as a wonderful tribute.

Life is short and we need to live it well.

The recent senseless massacre of innocent people at a movie theater has me along with the whole country wondering, what drove that young man to commit such a heinous crime? The news reports state that he was a “super nice kid,” “kinda quiet” and “really smart”. Sadly, this whole situation as sickening as it is, really has two victims: the first being, the innocent people whose lives were brutally taken and second, the young man who took it.

So I must ask the most obvious question (maybe you’ve even pondered it as well), did he not have a single friend who could have kept him accountable? Was there not even one person in his life in whom he could have confided in? If this introverted young man had a friend, could all this have been prevented? Perhaps, but we will never truly know the answer to that question.

One of my favorite authors, Lisa Bevere, tweeted it best, “Friendships weather seasons and know how to create or make time for others! Be a friend.”

Living this out is not a cliché and it’s not some unrealistic dogma either that most “new age” people concocted in order for you to achieve spiritual enlightenment only at the staggering cost of $500 per seminar (give me a break!) and that’s not even including dvd’s, books, audio books and cd’s!

Seriously, the universe is not hiding the “keys” for you to be happy, healthy and fulfilled. And it is not secretly written in the stars either. We don’t have to look very far to find “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”. Every new concept out there stem from a single book and you’ve probably even heard of it… yup, the Bible (try reading it sometime, it could save you $500) :).

Just imagine how much more sweet life can be when you’re wholly loved for who you are and you’re fully able to love others; there would be no time for quarrels, no insecurities, hidden agendas and no fear of rejection.

The mere thought that God even considers us as a “friend” warms my heart. And according to John 15:13 “Greater love has no one than this, that he [Jesus] lay down his life for his friends.”

So how much more should we (so-called Christians, children of God, disciples, goody-two-shoes … whatever name you think applies) follow in His example?

It’s really not that difficult, don’t let yourself be intimidated. There are so many lonely people out there yearning for someone to just love them, to just hear them out, and yet there are so many of us who allow our insecurities to get in the way of helping someone in need.

So just start by being a friend, love without hesitation, and then watch what happens around you. Perhaps someday, you could be that friend, you know, the one who reaches out and befriends that “super nice, kinda quiet and really smart kid”.

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11

Jun

“I think a change would do you good” – Sheryl Crow

My trainer said something so profound this morning as I was sweating excessively doing squats on top of a bosu ball whilst holding a 10 pound weight (for someone who lacks in coordination, this workout was extremely difficult). She said that, “We can’t always do the same workout. We need to constantly change it up so that our body doesn’t get used to it but rather adapts to new challenges.”

I don’t think I’ve ever even looked remotely close to smiling like this woman while working out -_-

She explained the term “muscle memory”, where our muscles gradually become familiar with whatever type of movement or workout we consistently do, and so that is why my trainer likes to change things up for me. Just when I thought I finally got the hang of it, she adds an extra leg curl in the workout or an additional 5 pound weight for me to lift. She often reminds me, the goal is to build muscle to burn fat. And in order for me to build, I have to be challenged.

As I struggled to balance my position on that bosu ball, my mind was transfixed on her words. Similar to our everyday life, we too must always be ready for change, often attempt new challenges so that we don’t remain stagnant or become stuck in a cycle of rut.

Except if most of us are truly honest, change does not come easily. I for one, am a creature of habit. I have a routine that I religiously abide by and whenever that routine gets disrupted, I go into a frenzy. Change is NOT my strong suit. I dislike it, so much so, that I avoid it like a plague. When ironically enough, change is the only constant thing in this life. Whether we like it or not, change will always occur.

Just the other day I found myself focusing on all of the change that is going on in my life. And after 15 minutes, I wore myself out to the point of frustration. I was completely overwhelmed.

But then, always with such subtlety, I was immediately reminded of the verse, “Let us fix [focus] our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.. ” Hebrews 12:2

“While it’s okay to acknowledge the different things going on in our lives, we should only be looking intently at the One who NEVER changes. He is always faithful, always present and He always loves….all the way, all the time. ” – Priscilla Shirer

You see, at some point or another, we’ll all realize that the end goal of this life is to become more like Him. “ So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.” 2 Corinthians 3:18 NLT

The more like Him we become, the better lives we live — the less stressed we get, the more loving we act towards others, and even those unexpected offenses brush off our shoulders like dandruff :).

Ultimately change is good. It’s inevitable, it will happen, stop figuring out how to by-pass it. Instead of stressing and worrying, might as well embrace it and grow through it.

Just like Dory, the fish, even if you have to remind yourself a hundred times, “just keep swimming”… or if you prefer my version, “just keep your head up, just keep maturing, just keep looking ahead”…

Your future awaits so keep on moving forward because a change can do you good!

12 years ago Short URL 1 Comment

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26

Apr

Why do I even bother?

Right before you die, you’ll realize this whole life was about loving people. And you watched too much television. – Donald Miller

The first time I read that I literally laughed out loud. It wasn’t so much that the author poignantly stated what almost any of us know deep down but that he said or rather tweeted it in the exact moment that I was in need of being reminded.  Coincidence? I think not.

It’s not all that difficult to notice society rampantly engrossed in their own world. Everything is constantly about me – “what can you do for me?”, “what’s in it for me?”, “when’s my turn?”, “what about me?”, “I want it done my way”, “I don’t feel like it” and I’m not happy anymore” — I constantly catch myself muttering under my breath “there goes another example of narcissism at its finest”. And don’t even get me started with reality shows, I think they’re the biggest example of our deplorable need to be entertained. But truth be told, I too am guilty of this on a daily basis.

Life has a funny way of getting you off course for just a minute and then driving you deep into selfish ambition. And to be clear, Ambition is not bad. In fact, we all need it to keep motivated, to keep dreaming, and to keep moving forward. But when what drives us starts to deteriorate our inner man and causes us to loose sight of what’s truly important, then we can be certain we’ve gotten lost along the way.

It’s in those moments that we become easily irritated, disappointment affects us harder and impatience weakens our resolve, we loose the desire to keep trying and then we end up hurting those around us. We distance ourselves from people who know us because we don’t want to hear it.  Our silent offended hearts unchecked turn into rage. And we begin to respond with a casual, “why do I even bother”? ….Ever been there?

That is why life as we know it has always been and will always be about — relationships/people. We were never meant to do life on our own, to exist for ourselves, or to stand alone in battle.

“The people we do life with have a significant impact on both our relationship with God and also our future.” – Brian Houston

Inward focus only results in outward frustration. You won’t find much in you, except what you already know but when you choose to pay attention and meet the needs of those around you, you’ll see a side to you that you’ve never known.

I once heard someone preach that “the most successful people in life are the ones who can keep relationships the longest”. I’m not exactly sure why but till now those words resonate in my spirit. If I don’t have any gift nor talent to offer, I know at least that in this life, I can love on others – I can show interest in their thoughts and ideas, I can invest in a friendship, I can listen, I can lend a hand, I can encourage, I can give a hug …. and I can choose to bother when all others choose to walk away.

It’s the little things that say a lot about a person and a relationship. So be kind to the ones you do life with… and be kind to those you may encounter today, cos all of us never quite know where it all might lead. – Bobbie Houston

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